all i would wish for if a jenie granted me three wishes is to be 100 lbs and not ever be able to gain weight. And be able to eat whatever i want whenever i want.

thats my ultimate wish. i would give so much for that just to come true. so much. its sad and selfish but i dont care.

im not depressed lately, which is a huge plus, especially with snow and winter setting in. this year im trying to push away my seasonal depression and be happier and more positive. im trying to improve myself altogether and start caring more about the way i look and act.

and of course with that comes the body image. im not going to let myself fail this time.
i will be thin.
i will be pretty.
i will NOT give up until i am.
and i solemnly swear that to myself.

Current Location: office room
Current Mood: confident

I really am going crazy not being able to post on proana. I left a complaint at the complaint page thing and no one has responded yet. That was only last night so I guess I'll wait it out.

At least I still have my journal. I'm feeling really strong today. I feel like I could go months without binging! But I have to work today and it's so horrifying I mean there is food everywhere and people eating everything all the time. It's so hard for me to turn away but it's so fufilling at the end of the day to know I've been on my feet all day serving and I haven't eaten anything.

As selfish and lame as it sounds I sometimes wish I didn't have to work and that my boyfriend would just support me and pay for everything. Really, what girl doesn't wish that?? Well I'm sure theres girls out there who are independent and all that but it's hard for me to be independent. The only thing that really seperates me from my boyfriend is my ED. I mean we live together, spend every moment together, and share absolutly everything. We might as well be married. I don't even have a car anymore so I depend on him for rides. At least when I start to feel suffocated I always can turn to my ED. It makes me feel like I have a secret life that no one else can control but me, even though my boyfriend knows about it. He doesn't understand it though.

ok, somehow, when i was trying to browse around and look at other communities, i booted myself out of proana!
jesus im so pissed. i had to reaply and that was like a week ago and im STILL not fucking accepted. this is such bullshit because ive been a member for 4 years or so and now im just sitting here suffering while i watch everyones posts on proana.
it mostly pisses me off that i can't even comment on anyones posts.
its killing me! can't they tell i was already a member?
i just made a mistake.. i even mentioned it in my application but grrrrrrrrrr
i dont know how long its going to take for me to be accepted. it could take months! i think the first time i joined i was accepted right away, but now im going to have to wait for months on end just because of one stupid error?
im so frustrated.

Stop! don't binge...

You'll wake up in the morning feeling like a failure..

Don't you love the way an empty stomach feels? and absolutly hate the way a full one feels?

It'll feel like you've undone everything you've put yourself through so far.

No matter how many times you tell yourself that your going to eat 'normal' from now on, you'll fall back on ana.

Think about all the people who you want to notice how skinny you are.

You don't NEED a peice of pizza or a cookie to survive.

Wouldn't you rather be faint and skinny than full of energy and fat???

When people see a skinny person they envy them, when people see a fat person they want to throw up.

No other happiness can compare to the day when you reach your goal weight. thats why you keep making more.

If your mind is telling you its ok to eat whatever you want so you do, later it will tell you you're a fat slob and never to eat again... wouldn't you rather skip that fat slob part and just suffer with the eating part for a while??

Ana is something you can turn to when everthing else has failed. dont' let her down.

How would it feel if someone walked up to you and said, you need to lose some weight?

Don't you wish your bathing suit was hanging off of you instead of showing off all your fat??

How pissed will you be when you see the numbers on the scale go up when they would have been down?

and finally always remember..

NOTHING tastes better than thin feeeeels <333

um yuck...
these are definetly "before" pics


i mean look at that you can just see the line where fat starts if you know what i mean ughhhhh

of me && ana<33
wake up. go straight to the mirror and lift up my shirt.
its either a wince or a smile, sometimes both.
but the morning is my favorite time to look at my body, especially my stomach. nothing in it, at all.
its pure, free from nasty calories or food or even drink.
i take a few moments to stare at my 'problem' parts, which are just about everywhere.
i brush my teeth, then walk downstairs. i get online and read a couple posts, maybe make a post, all the while sitting in the kitchen seeing cereal and bread and muffins in the corner of my eye.
my stomach growls, but ana whispers in my ear, and thanking her kindly, i go to the living room and do 100 crunches, drink a bottle of water, and pop in a peice of gum.
i walk upstairs and look at my reflection as i walk by the mirror.
soon, after my boyfriend is awake and eating in front of me, i turn away to run stairs.
then i take a shower, but before i get in i stare at myself for a few minutes and cringe.
all the while im getting ready for the day, putting on my makeup and my clothes, im dreaming about food, eating a feast of chicken and potatoes, rolls, salad, and a fudge sunday to top it off.
but always at the end of this fantasy, im puking it all up.
even in my dreams i must get rid of the calories i consume.
before i leave to do whatever i need to, i open the fridge.
maybe i'll eat 1/4 cup of cottage cheese, or a couple soda crackers, maybe some lowfat yogurt, or about a cup of lettuce with a teaspoon of dressing, but maybe ana will be strong enough to help me close the fridge on all disgusting food.
in the evening, i come home and make dinner for my boyfriend.
i smell and see the food and if my hand happens to try to put it anywhere near my mouth, ana slaps it harshly.
i get online or read or shower or watch tv while my boyfriend eats.
anything to get my mind off him chomping away.
then, before i go to bed, when my craving is at its peak, i run stairs until im about to pass out, and instead of food, i think about catching my breath.
while i sleep i dream about eating.
every night.
but ana will not even let me be at peace in my dreams.
and i thank her for that.
ana is my best friend. though she is strict and harsh, she loves me, really loves me and knows i will only be happy if she steps in.
without ana i would be just like all the other fat people
who sit our all day and eat without a care
without ana i would be nothing
i would have no self control
and i would never have discovered the most amazing feeling ive ever felt,
an empty stomach.
i love you ana, please dont ever leave me.

does this typical day sound familiar???

here i am almost a year later. in the same position. it happens like clockwork. one day im perfectly fine with myself, and the next...
locking my door so that when my boyfriend gets home i have time to exit this site, erase all evidence, and go back to normal. hiding the fact im starving from not only others but MYSELF as well. looking away from the evil that is food sitting right in front of my face, perfectly accsessable to me. watching everyone eat and throwing away scraps all day at work, and knowing in the back of my head that some people are starving unwillingly and here i am doing it on purpose when i can have anything and everything to eat.

and here it starts again. my hopeless and yet soooo hopeful quest to find beauty and happiness, all in the hands of ONE thing.

slender IS love.

Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Pretty Girl by Sugarcult

its so hard. A girl with only one dream. Hopes and wishes set aside for one thing. future jepordized all for a happy ending, pleasing results. nothing can get in her way. no one can help, never wanting, needing help. but yet i want it so bad what is so hard about it? maybe disapprovals whispered everywhere from everyone the pressure to be good do well work hard act responsible and still have a burning secret that no one else should know about or else theyll think im crazy just like everyone tells them... everywhere. whats the difference between you and me?

Current Location: home
Current Mood: curious
Current Music: none